That little negative voice

I know what I felt so discouraged yesterday, and why I feel so discouraged (again) today. It’s because of these classes.

When I found out our company director was going to be teaching our classes this week, I was super excited. Finally, I thought, my chance to show him how good of a dancer I am. Instead, I feel like I’ve absolutely failed.

Even though I know how to do all the exercises, it just never seems to be quite right. I see everybody else doing it with ease and I’m struggling to keep up. I’m trying my best but it doesn’t seem to be enough. My muscles hurt and fatigue. My balance sucks. I don’t know if I’m having an off week or if the classes are making me have an off week.

I’m not used to having to work for things _ I’ll admit it. Everything usually comes naturally easy to me. I’m not used to being the best – and its discouraging me. It’s giving that little negative voice inside my head more power. It’s saying, “You can’t do this. You’re a horrible dancer. This is all pointless. You’ll never amount to anything.”

And it’s hard to ignore that voice when the proof seems to be all around me. We had an alumni in our class today – she’s probably only a couple of years older than me – and miles more advanced and experienced. I look at her and say, that’s what professional dance companies want – not me.

And then of course the loneliness is a big factor in my despondent mood. I’m feeling all the sadness and hopelessness and I have no one to talk to about it. No one to console me and say it’s alright, I think you’re a great dancer. You can do it.

I’m stuck with kids half my age who can’t comprehend the things I’ve been through and experienced. They don’t understand what I’m going through now, or the decision I’ll ultimately have to make.

I mean, obviously I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep going to classes, even if they make me feel inferior, even if I have to come home everyday and cry about it – I’ll keep going.

But I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. That I had started ballet earlier and I didn’t have to make this choice. That I had friends there my age who would understand me and give me advice.

I just wish things didn’t have to be so hard.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ANONYMOUS
    Jun 15, 2010 @ 11:47:55

    EMILY!

    Reply

  2. ANONYMOUS
    Jun 15, 2010 @ 11:49:49

    Emily, I know were not friends and we dont really talk but i just wanna say be confident in yourself. Confidence is key. :) And when ya mess up, laugh it off and fix it next time. :D

    Reply

  3. emilleejoyce
    Jun 15, 2010 @ 12:32:16

    thanks :)

    Reply

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