Sometimes, I feel Crazy.

I must admit, sometimes I feel crazy – like my fanciful ideas about being a professional dancer are insane. I just feel that, in my head, I may have glorified the process and hard work.

Like, if I really start to think about it, the logistics of it all, it seems impossible. There’s the reality that, even if I major in dance in college and manage to scrape up enough money to attend summer intensives, I still have to go out and audition and get a job after I graduate. Let’s face it, in the dance world – that’s not the easiest thing to do.

Maybe I’m just getting down on myself, but everyday I hear something new about how college graduates have an increasing amount of debt and can’t find jobs. It’s been ingrained in my head that, because I chose a somewhat expensive school to go to, I have to get a well paying job that will allow me to pay off my student loans. But all I can think about is dance – and dance is all I want to do. It’s the age old question of whether I should choose a job based on my passion or on money.

I think I could do it. I think I could succeed as a professional dancer. But I also think I don’t fully realize the amount of hard work it will take. Like my studio director said, I am aware of the amount of work it will take in my head, but I’m not really fully aware of it because I haven’t experienced it yet.

But isn’t that the kind of attitude you’re supposed to have, if you want to succeed?? You’re supposed to be a dreamer who believes you can do the impossible. I don’t know. But maybe you’re also supposed to have a dose of realism with that dream, so that way when the going gets tough, you don’t get discouraged.

I think I’m just letting “the critics” get to me (I don’t really have any critics, but just some few non-inspirational things I’ve heard from people around me). Ever since I had that horribly discouraging conversation with my studio director, I’ve been fighting to overcome doubts about myself and my abilities. Plus, my parents haven’t been as encouraging as I would like them to be. Yes, they’ll support me in whatever I choose to do, but they also want me to be “realistic”. They tell me not to worry about money right now, but it’s hard not to when half the things about college that come out of their mouth are about all the debt I will have and how expensive college will be.

I guess only time will tell, but I hate having so many unknowns in my life right now. It’s hard to stay positive when there are so many what-ifs to think and worry about. I know it’s not ever going to be easy, but I wish life just wasn’t so complicated.

Also, I’ll be turning 18 soon, which means I can sign up for paypal. I don’t know how successful this venture will be, but I’m hoping to put a donate button on this blog to help me raise money for college and dance. I feel bad doing it. It feels sleazy begging for money from complete strangers, but I’m hoping people will take pity on me. I guess it’s also a pride thing, asking people to help pay for things because I can’t really pay for them myself is a little embarrassing. I honestly don’t think I’ll make much money asking people to donate, but as my mom always says “every little bit helps.”

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