Changing my Major??

Maybe.

It occurred to me all of yesterday, that I’m not really that excited about my current major. I was looking over all the course requirements I need to fulfill my major, and I really wasn’t all that excited about having to take those classes.

So I have started thinking about changing my major – and I think I’ve found the perfect fit!!
If I really am serious about becoming a translator, I believe that a comparative literature major would be more beneficial. I’ve always enjoyed English class, so I don’t think I’d find comparative literature too dull. Plus, I’ve read on some websites that comparative literature is a good major for people who want to be translators/interpreters.

I’m also thinking of picking up some more minors, to sort of create my own “translation” major. The only problem is I don’t know if that amount of work is doable in 4 years. I plan to graduate on time and don’t want to delay graduation so I can finish up minors.

But OSU offers a professional writing minor and a creative writing minor. Ideally, I’d like to do translation for poetry and prose, but that field is not as lucrative or as easy to break into as other translation fields, so having both minors would help me ensure jobs. You know, I’d have my creative writing minor because that’s what I love to do, and I’d have the professional writing minor as a backup if I couldn’t find translation jobs in poetry & prose.

But I also want to keep my Turkish minor, because you’re obviously not going to get any jobs if you have no 2nd language skills. But to me, 3 minors sounds a little excessive – and like a lot of work. Of course I didn’t come to college looking for an easy ride, but I just wonder if it’s too much??

These ideas are just that though. Ideas. I haven’t officially made up my mind yet, it is just something that has recently popped into my head. Before I make anything official, I’d want to talk to an advisor about this course load and whether it makes sense and is possible to do in 4 years.

As my boyfriend tells me, I just have to find what I’m passionate about – and other than dance, I have no idea what that is. I have lots of “little” interests, but no “big” interests, nothing that I feel super comfortable devoting my entire life to. But then, maybe I’m putting too much weight on my major.
Does your major in college really cement your future life that much??

I’m Still Heartbroken

I still want to be a professional dancer.

I know I said I was okay with it. That I had decided being a professional was not for me. But I was lying to myself.

I still want to dance professionally so badly.
But it just seems impossible.

I know what I’m capable of, I believe I can do it. But who will teach me?? No one in their right mind would want me, or accept me into their program.

I’m already dancing 5 days a week but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better. We don’t have the money or the time for private lessons.

It just seems so unfair.

I’m tired of everybody telling me that I can’t do it, that its impossible – but I just want to dance!! It breaks my heart to think of not doing it, but there seems to be no other option.

I hate myself for not starting earlier. I wish I could go back in time and start as a kid.

I feel like no one sees my true potential but me.

I feel like with proper training, in 4 years, I could be ready for a professional career…but all the good schools are too far away and too expensive…and we make too much money for scholarships.

I just don’t understand it. Not at all.

I don’t think anyone understands how much this means to me, or how much it hurts.

It breaks my heart.

Conflicted

You know, part of me still hasn’t given up on my dream – to be a professional dancer.

I want to go to school at Ohio State. It’s in Columbus. You know what else is in Columbus?? BalletMet. One of the places I wanted to audition for the preprofessional program.

I still want to dance while I’m in college, but I feel like a part of me will never be content with just dancing recreationally.

I still want to be a professional dancer. But I also want to go to college and get a degree and all that. But part of me feels like I’m giving up by not trying to pursue a dance a career. But really…how realistic is that??

I just feel so angry sometimes at the way things have turned out. Like, why couldn’t I have started ballet earlier?? Why couldn’t I have taken more classes and gotten better faster?? Why am I talented at music and art but apparently not talented at dance?? I don’t understand.

I just want to partner and be good at pointe and be flexible and do all of that. Why is it so hard?? Why do I have to make this decision??

I’m getting ready to go to college next year. I say that I’m planning on majoring in arabic and minoring in turkish so that I can get a job in international affairs. But I don’t know if that will make me happy. I don’t know what I want.

Because half of me loves dance, and wants to be a professional. But the other half doubts if I’m really committed, and thinks trying to pursue a professional career is a waste of time and money.

I just want to be happy, but right now I don’t know what choice will make me happy. I wish I had someone who could give me advice about this but it really feels like no one is on my side.

I really wished I believed in a personal god, so that way I could have someone all knowing counsel me.

Any advice??

I’m glad that’s Over??

So I had my meeting with my director today to discuss everything. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I feel like that wasn’t it.

I feel more encouraged about taking more classes this year, but as far as everything else goes…I don’t know.

I mean for starters, he said he didn’t see any natural talent in me. Part of me feels like, well how can you tell when I’m only dancing twice a week and doing easy stuff?? Like, I feel like I have potential to be talented, but I haven’t been challenged enough so far to see if anything’s there. But I don’t know. Maybe he’s right. He’s been a dancer for quite a long time. I suppose he’d recognize talent. He says, right now “I have chosen dance, dance has not chosen me.”

As for a career and all that, I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not?? It all just depends. He says I don’t have a ballet body, which is fine. Seriously, how many people do?? That doesn’t really bother me. But I want to get into a pre-professional program. And I feel like if I work hard enough this year, I can. He’s supposed to give me the contact information for a private teacher. Maybe I’ll be able to show him that I really can do this.

I don’t know. I feel like his prognosis was probably a little grim. I feel like he didn’t answer everything…even though I don’t know what’s left to ask.

Blah.

I guess I’m just feeling a little confused right now. Like, if I don’t pursue dance, what else is there for me to do?? There’s nothing I’m interested in. I’m open to trying other kinds of dance, like maybe trying to get into a modern company. I guess it’s just a waiting game, a work hard and wait game.

I’m just half and half right now. Half of me feels like I’m better off going to college and getting a normal degree in a field where you can actually make money. And the other part of me just wants to dance. It’s very conflicting. I feel like I could be good enough to get into a local company that’s not as picky, where I would still get paid.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

New School Year

So today was Open House for school. I don’t know if I’m ready to start school. Blah. My brain feels on overdrive.

It’s been about 2 weeks since summer intensives ended, and it’s really taken a toll on my confidence and surety in my decision to pursue dance. Since I haven’t been dancing, I keep wondering if I’m making a mistake. Is this really what I’m supposed to do??

I’m sure that I once I start dancing again, my passion will return – my confidence in what I’m trying to achieve. It’s just scary to be feeling this way.

It’s just my parents keep bringing up college and it’s really stressing me out. I don’t think they really want me to pursue this dream. They want me to pursue a “safe” career. I just wish they’d be more supportive.

I’m just ready to get dancing again. My meeting with my studio director is in about 2 days (holy crap!!) and I’m really nervous about it. I don’t want him to crush my dreams. I don’t know if I could handle that.

Anyways, this year looks like it’s gonna be pretty stressful and busy.

Blah. :/

Remember the Name – Fort Minor

I just recently bought Fort Minor’s 5 year old album, “The Rising Tied,” and I have to say that the chorus of “Remember the Name” really describes how I feel about dance right now:

“This is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will. 5% pleasure, 50% pain, and 100% reason to remember the name!”

I feel like that math is what it will take for me to have a successful career as a dancer. Its gonna take luck and skill and focus. I’m gonna have to be passionate, but its gonna hurt a lot, physically and emotionally. But if I do succeed, it will all be reason to celebrate my accomplishments.

I have been talking to a lot of (anonymous) people about this and they all say to go for my dreams. And my parents trust me to make the right decision for myself.

So we’ll see. We’ll see.

(Another inspiring song on that album is “High Road ft. John Legend”)

My Future??

So yesterday I started watching the Dance 212 series, which follows 5 different people as they go to college for dance, and I’ve just really been thinking about what I want to do with my future.

But watching these videos is really discouraging. All of these people have been dancing since they were little kids and they’re all really good. I feel like I will never measure up. My late start has been such a discouraging factor for me. Dancers have such a short career. I feel like I just don’t have enough time to get were I need to be to be professional.

I’m still not sure I want to pursue dance as a career though.

Because ever since 9th grade it has been my dream and my goal to go to SCAD, but SCAD doesn’t offer a dance program. And I’ve always originally wanted to pursue graphic design, dancing never really seemed like an option. Do I really want to give up the security of a graphic design job for the dog eat dog world of dance?? Do I want to give up my SCAD dream?? I don’t know.

I know it’s possible for me to be a successful dancer, because there are other dancers who have done it (like Misty Copeland, Martha Graham, and Holley Farmer to name a few), but the question is, can I do it?? I know my parents will support me in whatever avenue I choose, but I know they would much rather me choose the more practical option of graphic design.

Again, I can’t really know for sure dance is what I want to do with my until after this summer, when I’ll get a taste of dancing everyday like you would as a professional.

But the next question is….if I do decide to dance for my career….where do I go next?? What school or conservatory?? Will I even be able to get in?? I’ve looked at the pre-professional program offered by the Atlanta Ballet but really….I don’t know if I’m even good enough to get into that. :/

There are just so many unknowns with this. It’s all so very confusing. And I hate the feeling that I have to decide NOW. I wish I had more time. But the clock is ticking, and time is something I don’t have.