Getting Ready to Go

So I’m sitting here and I’m supposed to be packing for my orientation trip, but I procrastinate – so here I am.

I’m quite excited to be going back to Ohio State for orientation. It feels like it’s been forever since I was last there (in reality, it’s probably only been about 6 months). But, the last time I was there was sometime in November I think, so it was cold and kind of miserable. My southern blood wasn’t prepared for the drop in temperature. And I’m excited to get to see the Oval in full color, all green and pretty-like.

But I’m especially anxious and excited to finally get signed up for my classes!! It’s nerve-racking because I’ll actually be doing the signing up by myself. Of course there will be upperclassmen to help me, but up until now, my parents have been involved with everything college related. Signing up for classes is a big decision, and I’m kind of nervous about making it without my parents. Of course, that’s the point of going off to college – to become independent and able to do things without your parents. It’s still nerve-racking.

One aspect I’m not so excited about is staying overnight in the dorm. I don’t know who I’ll be staying with or how thing’s are going to work – and if you know me, you know I hate unknowns. Even though they put us up in the nice dorms, it’s still not an exciting idea to me. Even though I have a sister, I’ve basically been an only child (because my sister is 8 years older than me) so I tend to be a kind of private person. I know I’ll be staying in dorms during the school year – but that’s different because I’ll know who I’m staying with and what to expect.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m freaking out about it so much. I’ve never had this problem in the past with summer camps and whatnot. I think it’s just the whole aspect of college and the overwhelming-ness of the situation. There’s a lot to fit in, in 2 days.

Woo.

But in case you haven’t figured it out, I am combining my 2 blogs, so this will now be a blog about dance and college. Sorry 3 people who took my poll and said no, but this is just more convenient for me (and you were out voted). I mean, my life is changing and even though dance is still important to me, it’s not going to be my central focus anymore. I think blogging about college will be just as enjoyable to read, who wants to listen to me whine about dance anyways?? Haha.

But my laundry is done so I can finally finish packing. Hooray!!

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A Changing Perspective on Dance

I don’t know if you could tell from my quickie blog post last night/this morning, but I’ve started to feel a little differently about dance.

As I’ve been preparing for orientation, I’ve started to feel that excitement for my major that caused me to choose it in the first place and dance has started to seem…less important. Reading the course descriptions of the potential classes I will take has made me so excited that I’ve started to mind less if I get to take dance classes or not. Not to mention there are so many things I want to do in college, I don’t know how dance will fit into that agenda.

Also, this is some news I have yet to share. I’m in the International Affairs Scholars program, so I’ll be traveling this year. First to Toronto, Canada and then to some unknown mystery place (rumors have been circulating that it’s somewhere in France). But with both of those trips planned, it might be difficult to fit dance into that schedule. And don’t forget about money!! These trips aren’t incredibly cheap and neither is dance – there has to be a compromise somewhere.

But I’m still going to ask about non-major dance classes when I schedule at orientation. I would still really lovely to try my hand at modern – I think it would be a perfect fit for me. But if I’m able to take non-major classes, I’d have to decide what and how much dance I’d want to take. I know I want to take modern but I’m also interested in hip hop, maybe even possibly jazz. But I worry all those dance classes might overwhelm me. Plus, OSU has a dance group that does bhangra, which is a type of Indian dance. It’s really awesome. Check Out this amazing Bhangra group on Youtube!!

As you can see, I’ve got lots of potential plans involving dance and I just don’t know which path would be better. But mainly, I’ve been feeling happier about my major choice. For a while there I was feeling kind of down because I was worried I had picked the wrong major or that I wasn’t going to be happy. But like I said last night, regardless of what I choose, dance will always be a huge part of my life and I can be certain that I will keep up with this blog.

Just a Quick Update :)

So I was just sitting here thinking:

“I haven’t posted in a while.”
“Well that’s cuz nothing interesting happens anymore.”
“That’s not true!!”

And I realized that plenty of interesting stuff has happened since I last posted.

First off, I don’t know if I ever mentioned it before, but I applied to *The* Ohio State University….and here’s the exciting part: I got accepted!! I’m very excited to be going to Ohio and going to college there. I can’t even begin to imagine all the adventures I’ll have.

Also, I applied to be a part of the Scholars program there as well. I won’t find out if I got accepted to that until sometime in…March I believe.

But here’s the other exciting thing: I think I may be able to take some ballet and pointe classes while in college. This is great since we can’t afford to pay for dance classes at a studio.

But I’m on Christmas break now, which means my studio director has started observing class in order to start casting for our next and biggest performance: The Roar of Love. And I’m quite excited because tonight when he observed, I did well. So hopefully this means good things for me. :)

But yeah, that’s just a quick little update on everything so far. I know I don’t post on here as often but that’s because I get distracted with school and what not.

I’ll try and remember in the future. ^_^

Promotion :D

So…apparently all my hard work this summer paid off….I got promoted!! So now, instead of being a Petite 1, I’m a Petite 2!! I’m very excited about this. It really makes me happy to know that good things do come to those who work hard.

I would’ve found out sooner, but for some reason, we didn’t get the email. I’ll have to talk to them about that tonight (if I remember).

So since I found out only yesterday that I got promoted, I wound up staying for 2 classes. Petite 1 (which I thought was my required class) and Petite 2 (which is my new required class). I’ll probably still take petite 1 class though, for extra practice. Right now I’ve been taking ballet 3 also (lower than Petite 1) and I’ll probably keep taking that, but I guess since I’m a Petite 2 now, I can take junior class. So maybe I’ll take junior class once a week. To push myself??

Also, I know I originally planned to take ballet 3 on pointe, but I don’t think my teachers will let me. But that’s okay, I think it’s nice to have a day break between pointe class.

I got the contact information for a private teacher emailed to me a while ago, but I keep putting off contacting her. I think it’s just cuz I get so busy with school and stuff that I forget. I need to try to remember to do that tonight. (I also keep putting off sewing my new pointe shoes!!)

Also, I know I said I wasn’t planning on trying to become a professional anymore…would you lie to hear my new college plans now??

Right now I’m hoping to go to Ohio State (in Columbus) and major in Arabic and minor in Turkish. Then possibly get some sort of government job that involves translating or international affairs or whatever.

My mom worries because I’ve taken all these art classes to prepare for an art career that I’ve decided I don’t want. She’s afraid my academics won’t look good enough. But I think I’ll be okay. I’m planning on learning french for my senior project, so hopefully that will improve my track record.

But yeah. My life is super busy and hectic right now. But I’m happy with the direction its going. :)

I’m glad that’s Over??

So I had my meeting with my director today to discuss everything. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I feel like that wasn’t it.

I feel more encouraged about taking more classes this year, but as far as everything else goes…I don’t know.

I mean for starters, he said he didn’t see any natural talent in me. Part of me feels like, well how can you tell when I’m only dancing twice a week and doing easy stuff?? Like, I feel like I have potential to be talented, but I haven’t been challenged enough so far to see if anything’s there. But I don’t know. Maybe he’s right. He’s been a dancer for quite a long time. I suppose he’d recognize talent. He says, right now “I have chosen dance, dance has not chosen me.”

As for a career and all that, I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not?? It all just depends. He says I don’t have a ballet body, which is fine. Seriously, how many people do?? That doesn’t really bother me. But I want to get into a pre-professional program. And I feel like if I work hard enough this year, I can. He’s supposed to give me the contact information for a private teacher. Maybe I’ll be able to show him that I really can do this.

I don’t know. I feel like his prognosis was probably a little grim. I feel like he didn’t answer everything…even though I don’t know what’s left to ask.

Blah.

I guess I’m just feeling a little confused right now. Like, if I don’t pursue dance, what else is there for me to do?? There’s nothing I’m interested in. I’m open to trying other kinds of dance, like maybe trying to get into a modern company. I guess it’s just a waiting game, a work hard and wait game.

I’m just half and half right now. Half of me feels like I’m better off going to college and getting a normal degree in a field where you can actually make money. And the other part of me just wants to dance. It’s very conflicting. I feel like I could be good enough to get into a local company that’s not as picky, where I would still get paid.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

That little negative voice

I know what I felt so discouraged yesterday, and why I feel so discouraged (again) today. It’s because of these classes.

When I found out our company director was going to be teaching our classes this week, I was super excited. Finally, I thought, my chance to show him how good of a dancer I am. Instead, I feel like I’ve absolutely failed.

Even though I know how to do all the exercises, it just never seems to be quite right. I see everybody else doing it with ease and I’m struggling to keep up. I’m trying my best but it doesn’t seem to be enough. My muscles hurt and fatigue. My balance sucks. I don’t know if I’m having an off week or if the classes are making me have an off week.

I’m not used to having to work for things _ I’ll admit it. Everything usually comes naturally easy to me. I’m not used to being the best – and its discouraging me. It’s giving that little negative voice inside my head more power. It’s saying, “You can’t do this. You’re a horrible dancer. This is all pointless. You’ll never amount to anything.”

And it’s hard to ignore that voice when the proof seems to be all around me. We had an alumni in our class today – she’s probably only a couple of years older than me – and miles more advanced and experienced. I look at her and say, that’s what professional dance companies want – not me.

And then of course the loneliness is a big factor in my despondent mood. I’m feeling all the sadness and hopelessness and I have no one to talk to about it. No one to console me and say it’s alright, I think you’re a great dancer. You can do it.

I’m stuck with kids half my age who can’t comprehend the things I’ve been through and experienced. They don’t understand what I’m going through now, or the decision I’ll ultimately have to make.

I mean, obviously I’m not going to give up. I’m going to keep going to classes, even if they make me feel inferior, even if I have to come home everyday and cry about it – I’ll keep going.

But I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. That I had started ballet earlier and I didn’t have to make this choice. That I had friends there my age who would understand me and give me advice.

I just wish things didn’t have to be so hard.

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