I miss Ballet!!

Modern is a fun class, but every time I’m there I wish it was ballet.

I miss ballet so much. I put on my pointe shoes and dance in my dorm room, but then I’m frustrated because I haven’t made any progress (because I haven’t done ballet in close to 6 months). It’s like this ache deep inside of me, this feeling of jumping out of my skin, I have to get back to ballet!!

I’m not going to sit here and say modern is easy for me, but it doesn’t provide a challenge like ballet does. Modern is too natural. Dancing in bare feet, rolling on the floor – while it’s difficult to coordinate my body movements, the actions in and of themselves are normal. I dance in bare feet everyday. I don’t dance in pointe shoes. Ballet is a challenge because it is so unnatural.

I want to get back to ballet class so badly. I suppose I could give my own class in my dorm room, but really?? I’ll never any serious improvement like that.

I’m just wondering how I would fit ballet into my busy college schedule. Most of the dance classes offered by OSU I can’t take because their hours conflict with my academic classes. And I really want to go to BalletMet, but that costs extra money, plus the time lost in the commute by bus.

I suppose where there’s a will there’s a way, but right now it just seems so impossibly unreachable. I want to desperately improve my ability on pointe. I don’t want to be a professional dancer anymore, but I want to be on their level (or close to it). I want being on pointe to feel as natural as being barefoot.

I long so much to be back in ballet class. Part of me wishes I had stayed home and gone to the community college so I could still keep attending my home studio. That is how much I miss ballet (because if you know me, you know I swore I’d never go to ASU).

If I decide to make this work, it’ll take some serious planning and time management on my part. And it will take serious dedication as well, because it won’t be easy. For the first time in a long time, I actually have homework – and a lot of it. I guess I could do homework on the 20-30 minute commute it takes to get to BalletMet.

But then there’s money. As a college student BalletMet offers adult classes at $7 per class. That’s not outrageous – but it adds up. I obviously cannot afford to go to school fulltime, dance, and have a job – so my parents would have to pay for it. Hm. I hate adding on more expenses to my college. But is there any other way??

I guess I’ll figure it out. But I just don’t know how much longer I can go without ballet.

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Dancing at OSU

I really need to decide what I’m going to do about majoring in dance at OSU. The application for the 2012-2013 school year is up. Should I go ahead and start applying?? Should I wait and see if I like my modern class??

I was actually watching some videos on the dance department’s website. One of the students had only been dancing for 3 years before she auditioned for OSU!! That gives me hope. But I also hope it doesn’t mean it was a bad decision for me to wait a year. Transfer students aren’t given the same priority as incoming freshmen. Hm…I still need to talk to my parents about all this.

I honestly don’t think I’ll be happy with myself unless I do this (audition I mean). Otherwise I’ll always have the regret of “what if?”

Right now though, I need to figure out how I can integrate as much dance as possible into my freshmen year without spending lots of money. I already have my modern class. I’m wondering if I can add on another dance class to my schedule before classes start (there’s a 4 day period between move-in day and first day of classes.) OSU has several dance clubs but I don’t know if any of them will fit my needs.

I honestly need to stop thinking!! Haha. I’m going to wind up way overanalyzing all of this – but it never hurts to have a plan!! If only this were easier…

My parents keep telling me not to worry about money, but seriously, money is the one thing that’s keeping me from fully pursuing this. I don’t know what’s worse: being poor and saddled with debt but happy because I’m dancing or making more money, still possibly happy, with potentially less debt.

I suppose I just need to trust that this will all work itself out, and not worry about the future or the money. I’m a big believer in the idea that if it’s meant to be, it will find a way.

Sometimes, I feel Crazy.

I must admit, sometimes I feel crazy – like my fanciful ideas about being a professional dancer are insane. I just feel that, in my head, I may have glorified the process and hard work.

Like, if I really start to think about it, the logistics of it all, it seems impossible. There’s the reality that, even if I major in dance in college and manage to scrape up enough money to attend summer intensives, I still have to go out and audition and get a job after I graduate. Let’s face it, in the dance world – that’s not the easiest thing to do.

Maybe I’m just getting down on myself, but everyday I hear something new about how college graduates have an increasing amount of debt and can’t find jobs. It’s been ingrained in my head that, because I chose a somewhat expensive school to go to, I have to get a well paying job that will allow me to pay off my student loans. But all I can think about is dance – and dance is all I want to do. It’s the age old question of whether I should choose a job based on my passion or on money.

I think I could do it. I think I could succeed as a professional dancer. But I also think I don’t fully realize the amount of hard work it will take. Like my studio director said, I am aware of the amount of work it will take in my head, but I’m not really fully aware of it because I haven’t experienced it yet.

But isn’t that the kind of attitude you’re supposed to have, if you want to succeed?? You’re supposed to be a dreamer who believes you can do the impossible. I don’t know. But maybe you’re also supposed to have a dose of realism with that dream, so that way when the going gets tough, you don’t get discouraged.

I think I’m just letting “the critics” get to me (I don’t really have any critics, but just some few non-inspirational things I’ve heard from people around me). Ever since I had that horribly discouraging conversation with my studio director, I’ve been fighting to overcome doubts about myself and my abilities. Plus, my parents haven’t been as encouraging as I would like them to be. Yes, they’ll support me in whatever I choose to do, but they also want me to be “realistic”. They tell me not to worry about money right now, but it’s hard not to when half the things about college that come out of their mouth are about all the debt I will have and how expensive college will be.

I guess only time will tell, but I hate having so many unknowns in my life right now. It’s hard to stay positive when there are so many what-ifs to think and worry about. I know it’s not ever going to be easy, but I wish life just wasn’t so complicated.

Also, I’ll be turning 18 soon, which means I can sign up for paypal. I don’t know how successful this venture will be, but I’m hoping to put a donate button on this blog to help me raise money for college and dance. I feel bad doing it. It feels sleazy begging for money from complete strangers, but I’m hoping people will take pity on me. I guess it’s also a pride thing, asking people to help pay for things because I can’t really pay for them myself is a little embarrassing. I honestly don’t think I’ll make much money asking people to donate, but as my mom always says “every little bit helps.”

No Summer Ballet :(

So the other night my mom mentioned to me that she wasn’t planning on me taking ballet in the summer. I was a little sad by this news since I had assumed I would be taking summer ballet.

But I mean, I understand her reasonings. I’ll have to be getting ready for college during the summer and we need to save as much money as possible. She said she’d rather spend the money on a gym membership (which, honestly I get more exercise there).

But still, I like having ballet during the summer because it motivates me to get up at a decent hour and do something.

But part of me is also relieved I won’t be taking ballet in the summer. Honestly, I’ve started to get tired of all the stress and time ballet takes up. I need a break.

And I’ve been thinking, maybe I’m just not the right “type” for ballet. There’s a reason why “preppy” girls tend to do it and not girls like me (aka: rock lovers who wear dark colors, heavy makeup, and find “abnormal” piercings attractive).

I mean, ballet is very…polite. What with all its rules with behavior and stuff and frankly, I’m not polite. I don’t think im detailed enough for ballet. I just don’t understand focusing so much attention on details.

I’m not saying I can’t do ballet, I’m just saying maybe that’s why ballet and I have had some “issues.”

Ballet in College

So all along, I have been planning on dancing in college. Even if I didn’t major in it in college, I was planning on continuing my education. But now I’m not so sure.

I mean, when I go off to college, it’s going to be a whole new experience. Who knows how busy I’ll be??

And recently I’ve got this opera bug in me, and if I were to major in that, or any kind of music, I definitely wouldn’t have time for ballet.

Part of me feels like there’s no point in continuing with ballet, because a professional career is unlikely. But the other part of me doesn’t want to quit until I feel I’ve become proficient in ballet (like learning how to partner and all that).

I just don’t know.

My parents say this opera bug is a passing phase, but who knows?? I can never make up my mind about anything. I just like performing, and in opera you don’t have to start training as early as you do in ballet. I still have time. But again, who knows??

I’m also thinking from the practical side. If I dance where I want to in college (BalletMet), it could cost up to $3,000 a year!! Add that on to college funds, and you’ve got some serious debt. Maybe that money could be spent in a better way??

I don’t know.

I would like to start taking voice lessons now, but I don’t know if my parents would let me, what with all the financial and time constraints ballet has put on me.

I just have a lot to think about between now and college.

Inspiring Quotes

Here are some quotes I found today that inspire me to pursue my dreams:

As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do. ~Zachary Scott

Chase down your passion like it’s the last bus of the night. ~Terri Guillemets

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. ~Raymond Lindquist

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle

And speaking of dreams, if I could go to my dream dance college, it would be the Boston Conservatory. I was looking at their website today, so I’ve got them on the brain. When I look at their website, it feels like anything is possible. Like if I could get into that school, then so many doors would open for me. My dreams really would come true.

The only REAL problem is, they’re expensive!! Even more expensive than SCAD!!I would need some serious scholarships to go there, and that worries me.

I hate money. All of my worries and inhibitions about the future all revolve around money. How am I going to pay for college?? How much debt will I have?? Will I be able to support myself??

Money, money, money!! Bleck!! Money may make the world go round, but it also makes me want to pull my hair out!!