George Balanchine’s The Nutcracker

Tonight, PBS will be showing George Balanchine’s The Nutcracker live from the Lincoln Center. I am so excited!! I cannot wait to watch it. I have never seen the New York City Ballet perform but obviously, they are one of the best. And I can’t want to see them!!

I was really sad because not only did I not get to perform in the Nutcracker this year, I wasn’t even home to watch my studio’s performance. So I’m very happy that I’ll still get to see the Nutcracker. Seeing it on TV is obviously not as good as seeing it in person, but I am happy nonetheless.

After I watch it tonight, I’ll edit this post and let y’all know what I thought!! :D

Alright, I really loved watching the Nutcracker. I wish I had had more experience performing the different parts so that I could’ve compared how they were different to what my studio does.

I think it’s insane how many people are in NYCB’s Nutcracker. We had such a limited amount of people who were advanced enough to perform the technical roles last year, that seeing that many people perform all those parts was mind boggling.

One thing I didn’t like, and this is why seeing it live is always better, is how the cameras would focus in on the dancer’s face while they were dancing. I want to see the foot work!! But I guess that’s what happens when you actually do ballet. The steps become more important than the acting.

I can’t remember exactly everything I thought about it now. I got side tracked skyping with someone. But I was still very impressed with the ballet. And I’m glad I got to see the Nutcracker even though I missed my studio’s performance.

Oh, I did like how Clara was played by a younger person on flat. I wish my studio would do that. The way my studio does the Nutcracker, almost all of the parts are on pointe, including Clara. Which really limits what the younger dancers to do. I think it would be nice to put Clara on flat so that way, dancers like me, who maybe are technically able, just not able on pointe, would have more options to dance.

Oh, I miss ballet. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll be able to take classes this summer. I’ll have a short summer this year, but it will at least give me something to do and give me exercise. Plus, I still really want to improve my pointe work.

But anyways, it was really nice to see the Nutcracker. That’s actually the first time I’ve ever watched it without performing it. Last year was the first time I’d ever seen it period, but I had to catch glimpses of it from backstage.

I love ballet. :D

Nutcracker’s Over (Yay)

So this afternoon, we had our Nutcracker performance.
I’m glad to be done with the Nutcracker.

Performing is one of the few things I still like about ballet. It’s fun to get all made up in to different characters.

But it’s really bittersweet for me.

Because I watch all the more advanced dancers and just feel sad. Sad because I feel like I’ve been denied the opportunity to ever be that good. Because I started ballet too late, because I’m not talented enough, because I’m going to college next year.

I can’t decide what I feel about ballet. I still really want to get better. At warm up this afternoon, I got like perfect double pirouettes, on my left side – and it felt amazing. I still want to keep doing ballet so that I can dance in the waltz of the flowers and in marzipan and all that.

But I can’t.

Because I’m going to college next year and I’m too old. What’s the point of continuing?? It just doesn’t seem fair. All of those other girls my age could be professionals if they wanted to, but none of them do. And then me,who wants it so badly, can’t because I’m not good enough.

And I’m just tired. Tired of always watching everybody else and being jealous of the fact that I’ll probably never be that good. Jealous of all the opportunities they’ve had that I’ll never get.

But Nutcracker’s over. And I did good I think. I got flowers from my parents. And my sister came to see me. We went out to eat afterwards, and I got lemon cake.

But really…what’s the point??

I’m tired

So I was going to complain about how much I hated the angels part, but instead I’m going to complain about my studio director.

Today, during angels rehearsal, he told me, in so many words, that my body language offends him. He said I looked frustrated and annoyed.

Yes. Yes I am frustrated and annoyed. Why?? Because YOU cast me in a part with a bunch of 5th graders who don’t know their right from their left and can’t make a circle. Because YOU consistently cast me in these parts. And because YOU treat me like one of these 5th graders.

I’m so sorry that my slouchy back offends you. I’m sorry that I find it more comfortable to stand that way. I’m sorry my crossed arms offend you. I’m sorry that I cross my arms to keep me from fidgeting with my hands. I’m sorry my straight face annoys you. I’m sorry that I don’t smile constantly and act like a freaking cheerleader. Oh, and I’m sorry my big yawn offends you because I went to a football game last night and I’m tired.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything. Everybody at that studio seems to like me and/or have no problem with me. Why doesn’t he?? I’m sick and tired of feeling undervalued, underappreciated, and left out at that studio.

I feel like, because I started dancing late, he assumes that I suck. I love how he’s seen me dance like only 3 times (and most of these times are doing 5 year old dances that don’t require any skill) and proclaims that he knows how well I can dance.

He acts all pompous and what not. He says that he only has the performance’s best interest at heart. He makes himself sound so perfect. But he plays favorites. I know he does. And I’m not one of them.

When I do something he says “oh that’s not right” but when somebody else does the exact same thing, he says “oh that’s good.” (which happened in rehearsal today as well).

The only reason I get to be a candy cane (a dance that’s closer to/on my ability level) is because the person who was supposed to play it, dropped out of the company. He has a (not very good petite 1) “5th grader” doing polichinelles. Why can’t I do polichinelles?? What makes it so hard that its above me??

I’m just so tired.
I’ve been putting all this work into ballet and improving and I feel like I’m not being rewarded at all. I’m always on time and I do what I’m told. I try my best in class and what do I have to show for it??

Yes, I understand I’m not a great and fabulous ballet dancer. I understand that there’s still a lot I need to learn. But I’m still pretty decent and I can pull my weight in harder dances.

I’m not saying that the other more advanced dancers don’t deserve their part. I’m just saying that I feel like I should be dancing with them as well.

I feel like ever since I had that “talk” with him about being a professional, he’s been treating me worse. I feel like he thinks “Oh the audacity she must have to think she could actually be a professional ballet dancer.”

He’s making me tired of ballet. He makes me want to quit.

I’m a Candy Cane??

So…..I was a candy cane understudy in the Nutcracker. For some reason, the other candy cane isn’t one anymore…so now I’m a candy cane.

I had my first candy cane rehearsal today. It’s a very cheerleader-y dance. It’ll make you kind of winded, but it’s not too bad. The steps are pretty easy too.

But apparently since I’m now an angel and candy cane, I’ll miss the second part to the angel dance because I think the 2 scenes are right after another. I’m not sure. They just told me I’d miss the last half.

So hooray for luck would you call it? Coincidence? I don’t know, but hooray for it. Now I don’t feel so bad because I have 2 parts instead of one.

Yay. :)

Making Good out of a Bad Situation

So, after talking to nutcracker “veterans,” it appears the angel part is just a bunch of walking around in circles on demi pointe. I’m told it hurts really bad.

While I’m still unhappy about getting this part, here’s how I’m looking at it and making it positive: Since it’s just a bunch of walking around on your tippy toes, I’ll just think of it as a nice calf workout.

This may seem like stupid reasoning here, but it helps me stay positive about the nutcracker. I mean, I desperately need to improve my calf strength anyways, for balancing and pointe work.

So right now I’m just imagining myself after nutcracker with nice strong, developed calves, perfect pointe work, and balances that last a lifetime. Haha. But this visualization works. I don’t feel so bad about this part anymore.

I do have to say that I’ve been very negative lately. School has been dragging me down. It seems like all the stuff about being positive I learned in the summer, just flew out the door when the school year started.

But I’m trying hard to get on track with my positive approach to life again. (I probably need to revise, and start saying my affirmations over again).

Then everything will be all better. :P

Nutcracker Casting

So we just had a meeting about this yesterday but hopefully no one from ballet reads my blog. It’s just, I’m not happy with my part in the nutcracker.

Normally, I would be grateful to just be in the nutcracker, and I am. This is my first time after all. I just feel like the part I’m cast in doesn’t fit me very well.

I’m cast as an angel. And judging from the other people who are cast as an angel as well, I can pretty much bet it’s not a very technically challenging part. I thought I was going to be a candy cane, but I’m set to understudy that. :/

It’s just, I feel like I’m not getting a chance to show my true potential. I know what I’m capable of doing and I know I can do more advanced parts, if they’ll only give me a chance.

I mean, I know they just want the performance to be good, so they cast the people they think will do the best job…but I just feel like I’m not getting a chance. Our director claims to be able to tell what people can and can’t dance, but he’s seen me dance, what?? Like 3 times ever (not counting studio run throughs.) How much can you really tell about a person’s ability from that little amount??

I know I’m breaking all the rules by posting this blog. I’m supposed to be grateful for my part and not say anything mean and all that stuff. I don’t think the other dancers don’t deserve their parts…I know they’ve worked hard and everything to get where there are. But I’ve been working hard too. :/

It’s just sometimes I feel like there’s a little favoritism going on. I didn’t have an older sibling pave the way for me like a lot of people did. I don’t have stay at home parents who can devote endless amounts of time to the ballet. I started late so that instantly means I suck or whatever. (Now I know I’m definitely breaking the rules because they specifically mentioned this type of complaining.)

I guess I’m just buying into all those “lies” they were talking about. You know, the ones like “she only got the part because her mom works in the costume room” and all that good stuff. But I’m sorry. I can’t just pretend I’m overjoyed about my part. And I mean, as much as they’d like to deny it, there probably is some favoritism that goes on, we’re all human after all.

I’m just tired of always feeling like an outsider at ballet. I don’t fit it. I’m not really friends with anybody. I just want to get a good part so I can prove to everybody that yes, I belong here and yes, I’m not a crappy dancer.

Is that so wrong??

Theater Week is Over!!

Yay!! Theater week is over!! I love it but I hate it – it’s so tiring!!

But all of my performances went well. As far as I know, I didn’t make any horrible mistakes or anything.

I didn’t like my costumes though. My Arabian doll costume was too small for me in the boobs. I’m pretty sure it was like 2 cups sizes too small. Ballerinas aren’t supposed to have boobs I guess. But it’s no big deal because I didn’t have to wear it that long. My flower costume was better, it just felt kinda old lady-ish. My parents took a few pictures of me, but they’re not great, so I don’t know if I’ll upload them.

Also, after the last performance Saturday night, a lot of people (including me) went to Chili’s. It was okay. I went because I figured I should actually try and be friends with people instead of always standing off to the side. I’m still having issues “assimilating.” Haha. But I was very tired when I went and everybody was kinda loud….so it was okay.

But now I’m super excited to start working on the Nutcracker. I’m really hoping I get some sort of cool part. I really wanna impress people!! I’m kinda hoping for a more difficult pointe part but I don’t know if that will happen cuz I’m still not great at pointe. :/ But we’ll see. I’m excited either way. It’s my first nutcracker performance!!

But anyways, I just signed up for a master class that’s going to be taught by two Parsons Dance dancers. It’s really exciting. I asked my director if I thought I could take it and he said yes. So now on September 22, I’m going to go. I’m happy about it. Any opportunity there is for me to improve my dancing I’ll take!!

But I get tomorrow off, and then regular classes start Tuesday. I’m glad to be going back to regular dancing. I’m going to try really hard to improve a lot between now and nutcracker, on flat and on pointe!! I just want so bad to become a good dancer. I want to show everyone I can do it!!